Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Broken Hearts



R.I.P. Sadie 
January 31, 2005 - October 18, 2012




Our beloved Sadie dog passed away on Friday morning. Sadie suffered from severe allergies all her life and was on steroids to keep her comfortable. Labradors have a tendency to eat a lot to begin with, but the steroids increased her appetite for nearly everything... flowers, grass, toilet paper, mulch... you name it. 



So when she got ill in the early morning hours, we didn't think it was anything more than an upset stomach from something she ate. I am ashamed now to admit that I was annoyed that she vomited on the carpet that I had just had professionally cleaned last week. 




We called the vet and scheduled an appointment for later in the morning... still believing that she would probably bounce back before that.




Sadie was lying in the mudroom, and didn't want to eat the rice and eggs I made for her. Then I noticed that she was bleeding, and my world stopped. Thank God my husband was home and was able to lift her into the car and rush her to the vet. But, in my heart, I knew as they pulled away that she wasn't going to make it. 





The vet's office is only 5 minutes away, so the phone rang about 10 minutes later. It was my husband saying she was bleeding internally and we needed to make the decision to put her to sleep or have them try to save her. She had less than a 50/50 chance of surviving surgery and she may not make it to the hospital for the surgery. I cried and told him that I wasn't prepared for this. I couldn't make that call. I heard him say to the vet, "try to save her," and he hung up.



My kids were home because it was the first day of their Fall Break, and my mom came over to be with them, so that I could get to the animal hospital. I texted my husband, asking if I should come now. His response was, "no." And, I knew then that she was no longer with us.



After my husband had hung up with me, he had called my father (a huge dog lover and Sadie's favorite person) for some perspective. My father made the call that we knew was right, but couldn't bring ourselves to do. We didn't want her to suffer any more and possibly die on the way to the hospital. We wanted her to rest and be at peace and not have to suffer any more.


My dad with Sadie


As the vet put her to sleep, my husband stroked her, reassured her how much we loved her, apologized to her and prayed over her. He said it was very peaceful. I'm sorry I wasn't with her in those final moments. I took my oldest son to the vet's office and we were able to spend some time with her. She looked very peaceful. 





It has been an incredibly difficult few days. I have so much guilt about not recognizing that this was so serious and not rushing her to the vet immediately. I have nightmares about the last time I saw her alive. I have anxiety every time I go into the mudroom. I cry. A lot.





Needless to say, I am not myself. I really don't care about decorating my house or making it look pretty. I want dog hair on the kitchen floor, a big metal crate in the family room and dog puke on the carpet (well, not really, but it wouldn't bother me). 

So, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to give myself permission to take a little break. I don't know how this grief will affect me from day to day. Maybe I'll be back with a post soon. But, if not, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I hope you understand.



I know Sadie was a dog, and I know people experience much deeper loss than mine. But our hearts are broken and things are different around here, and we need a little time to heal.



Sadie, I hope you know how much you were loved. I hope you know how sorry I am that I couldn't save you. I hope you are running and chasing squirrels and eating lots of great things without getting sick. And, I hope I get to see you again.








46 comments:

Jessica @ Simply A Farmer's Wife said...

Carolyn,

I am in tears reading this! God bless your family! We have 3 dogs, one lab & 2 GSP, and have been going through some health issues with one of them. My heart aches for your family. We will be praying for you! Rest in peace sweet Sadie!

Anonymous said...

I have been right where you are now.. I am so sorry. I hope your families hearts feel better soon.

MaryBeth said...

I am so sad, tears, for you and your family and lovely Sadie. Please do not blame yourself, it was her time. I spend all day getting mad at my white lab for the hair all over my dark wood floors or on the navy blue furniture. I hate the drops of water all over after he drinks or the mud that he seems to find in the backyard. But today I will hold him a little closer and pet him until he walks away from me because as much as he annoys me on a daily basis I love him dearly and would not know what to do if I lost him.
If possible get another one as soon as possible, I will never wait as long as I did after my first dog died. I am thinking of getting a second puppy now since Cheli is almost 2.
I will be thinking of you all night, prayers to all of you.

ℳartina @ Northern Nesting said...

Carolyn the tears are running down my face as I right this. I've been there and I know how hard this is! Our pets become such a big part of our family! I am so sorry for your families loss.

Kelly said...

I am SO sorry for your loss! I read this with tears in my eyes. I dread the day that I have to go through that with my own dog. you don't have to justify your need to grieve to me. Pets are part of the family and, as such, is a tremendous loss when they pass away. Take as much time as you need. Sadie was a beautiful dog and I hope you will come to terms with everything in due time.

Grace @ Sense and Simplicity said...

Oh my, you brought tears to my eyes (and cheeks). Our dog is getting older and I always wonder what the end will be like. I pray it is an obvious decision to make as I know it is so hard to make it. I can totally understand you needing some time off from the blog to grieve and let your heart heal. Hugs.

Kim @ Savvy Southern Style said...

Carolyn so sorry to hear about your loss and I am sure we all totally understand the need for some time to heal. Don't beat yourself up for not taking her in sooner. Dogs get sick a lot and I have waited with Bailey before taking her in and she is usually on the way to being well by the time I take her. We just never know. Healing prayers are sent your way.

adsgram said...

Well, this was certainly an ill-timed read for me. We found out today that our 4 yo chocolate Lab has a mast cell tumor. We had another lab many years ago with the same issue and lost her. Sophie goes for surgery next week, but the dr. is pretty sure it is the 'bad' stuff. I am so sorry for your loss and do know what you are going through even the guilt about the 'mean' things we do or think. God bless you and your family...RIP, Sadie...and if you get a chance send up a little doggie prayer for Sophie! ♥♥

Cassie @ Primitive & Proper said...

oh i am so sorry!!! i have two dogs, and have lost one before.... i know how hard it is. :( thinking of you

Barbara said...

Carolyn,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Loosing a precious dog/companion/friend is huge. I'm sure that your sweet boys will be asking lots of questions and needing their mama....will be praying that you have wisdom to answer them and can comfort them all the while dealing with your own hurt. We'll look forward to seeing you again when it's the right time....for you.

Hugs,

Barbara

Blondie's Journal said...

My heart is breaking for you. I've been through this and was really a wreck for quite awhile. Don't blame yourself...you couldn't read her mind. That will just make your grief worse.

I will be thinking of you and your family.

XO,
Jane

Carol-Anne (Use the Good Dishes!) said...

Like everyone else, I too can only say how sorry I am for you. I have a little dog and can't even imagine how I will survive the sadness when the time comes.

PURA VIDA said...

oh Carolyn and family...what a precious precious soul! I love the bubble photo..but all were just so darn sweet. Sometimes a pet comes around that is just more than what they seem...deep and meaningful and meant to be part of your life.

Adore those photos...they are wonderful memories!

The Mac's House said...

Oh I so know those feelings.

Take time to grieve the loss of your wonderful friend.

:( God Speed Sadie!

Barb @ The Everyday Home said...

Not that it helps you, but I totally understand how you feel. I had to make the decision to put down my sweet kitty several years ago, and I still miss her and mourn her today. Animal lovers may not understand that they are not just pets, they are our furry babies and ask for nothing but unconditional love. (well, ok - and half the bed in my case) :) Take your time to remember, forgive yourself, thank yourself for giving this dear animal such a loving home - and mourn. Hugs from another devoted furry baby lover.

Jemsmom said...

Oh Carolyn, I am so sorry for your loss. I cried reading it and cried while telling my husband. I am so blessed to have my sweet four legger (as my daughter calls her) with us still. She is 14 and we see so many changes in her. I can't imagine life without her. She can't hear a thing anymore and wants to go out 8 times a night and I get frustrated, but after reading your post, it just reminds me that I won't always have her. She was and will always be my first baby and I will remember to give her an extra pat and snuggle tonight.

My prayers for comfort go out to you and your family. You can't feel guilty at all. You fed her, cared for her, walked her, and most of all loved her. She knows that and loved you and all your boys for the tender and loving care you gave her. They aren't just pets. They are family and you take all the time you need. Thinking of all of you...

A Toile Tale said...

Oh, those wonderful photos. No one can deny that these sweet animals DO become members of our family. He will leave a big hole in your life, but those memories will be with you forever. You've taught your boys so much through having this lovely pet. Hugs and hugs.
Linda

Wendi @ Classic Chic Home said...

Oh Carolyn, my heart is aching for you and your family. I can barely see the keyboard through my tears. I can only imagine the pain and grief that you're feeling right now, and will keep you and Sadie in my thoughts and prayers.
Wendi xoxo

Maury @ Life on Mars said...

I'm so sorry for your sweet family! Losing a pet is heart breaking.

Stephanie said...

so so sorry carolyn...the pain of losing a beloved pet is heartwrenching! find peace in knowing you will see her again!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about Sadie. Please don't beaat yourself up, you had no idea she was so sick. You took good care of her for a long time. I am thinking about you and your family. hugs.
Nancy

lisaroyhandbags said...

Carolyn, I'm so so sorry to hear about Sadie. We went through such a similar thing just before moving to Ireland and I wasn't there when my husband had to put our Martha down. Not having kids, she was my child and it felt like I had my heart wrenched out. I cried and cried. I still do 5 years later if I allow myself to stop and think of her. She was with us for 12 years and was a huge part of our lives. And so I understand completely. Cherish the memories you have and give yourself time to grieve. Sadie will always be in your heart. Big hugs xo

Terri S. said...

Oh Carolyn, I'm so sorry! The shock and overwhelming sadness caused by the sudden death of a pet is one of the worst feelings there is. You can't help but go over the scenario again, and again in your mind hoping for a different outcome. Quite frankly, I've been there and it sucks! Nine years later, on occasion, I still theorize about her cause of death and our actions. So silly, but they are one of the loves of your life and you just can't help it. Your Sadie is adorable and the pictures of her growing up with your boys are absolutely precious. If she's like my dog, she's chasing squirrels, eating anything she can get her paws on and scraping her butt on the beautiful pure white clouds in heaven. And most importantly, she's watching over all of you and feeling so lucky to have been loved.

anonymous said...

Tears and prayers for your family. Sadie looked like a gentle giant. You are so lucky to have so many wonderful pictures of her with your children. It's amazing how our pets weave such a web into our lives. As difficult as it is now (I remember being a blubbering mom of two young boys when our kitty passed - years later, we have two more, one adopted and one rescued at 10 days old), you are so fortunate that Sadie touched your lives and that you could give her a home full of love and comfort. Your'll cherish the memories you had with her forever.

Anonymous said...

OMg, i am bawling reading this. I can't even look at my dog lol Dogs become such a part of the family. Labs are such lovers too. I am so sorry for your loss. I used to work for a vet. Please don't beat yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. I will be saying prayers for your family. :( Nita

Teresa said...

Your pictures show the love that Sadie had for your family. Don't feel bad and do allow yourself to cry and heal. When I had to put my first dog down I suffered for a year. Maybe I should say I missed her much. My favorite song by the Eagles was playing when we took her home. Every time that song came on I would cry over again. It will get better. Another dog of ours just looked at me one morning and in her eyes she was telling me it was time. So I went out and started her grave. We have a bond with our pets that can't talk. The eyes tell us and other ones suffer in silence. We do what we can and we love them. We will see them again. God bless you and your family.

Domestic Sweetheart said...

Cute blog! Love your blog! I'm a new GFC follower :)
xo
www.domesticsweetheart.com

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry about your beautiful Sadie. Please don't be so hard on yourself - dogs can't tell us where it hurts. I'm sure Sadie knew she was loved and cherished. Some things are beyond our control.
We lost our wonderful Lab two months ago and it's taken me a while to get back on track. We try to remember her funny moments. Take care of yourself and your adorable boys.

Anonymous said...

I felt like I was holding my breath as I read about Sadie because I had a very similar experience a few years ago with the sweetest dog I've ever had. She ate something that lodged in her intestine and cut off the blood supply. We paid a fortune on surgery but she died a few hours later. I wish the vet had suggested putting her to sleep instead of surgery because she suffered. I have felt guilty for a long time. I know that she knew I was trying to help her because she wagged her tail when I saw her at the hospital. It is hard not to feel guilt but you and I know in our hearts how much we loved our animals and they knew we wouldn't harm them. The sadness will lessen for you and the family and although this tragedy will be on your minds from time to time, you will be able to love another dog maybe a rescue dog that needs loving people like your family. I have had several fur babies since my awful loss so I am confident that you will be fine with some time to heal. Sadie was beautiful and obviously well cared for. Good luck to you and the family!

Candace

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. We went thru the same thing last year with our Golden (internal bleeding). Dogs become a part of the family and a huge part of our lives....Sadie looked like the perfect example of that.
Thinking about you and your family....

Stephanie

Bobbie said...

I cried big, rolling, stinging check tears as I your post. You are not alone in your love, loss and grief of your beloved pet.... and we will be here waiting when you feel up to returning. Please be kind to yourself.
Blessings-
Bobbie

lala said...

I know all too well how it feels to have a piece of your heart torn away when you lose a beloved pet. I am so very sorry for the loss of Sadie, and for the sadness and pain you and your family are feeling.

Dacia @ Lemon Drop Life said...

How incredibly sad..I'm welling up just reading this. As a fellow dog owner/lover, I know how quickly those furry little things can weasel their way into your hearts and they become members of the family. So sorry for your loss.

Laura said...

Dear Carolyn,
Thinking of you. You have lost a beloved member of your family and need time to heal.
x

Just Beachy said...

I am so so sorry , this breaks my heart, you couldn't have known...I am so sad for you . I hope you feeling better soon.

Jodi said...

dear Carolyn,

Psalm 145:9 - The Lord is good to all, Compassionate to every creature.

Trust that Sadie is in good Hands. I've rarely seen a more loved dog and you're boys are adorable.

healing takes time. My chocolate Lab, Jessie has changed my life.

What a great season of love while Sadie was with you. Blessings from Liechtenstein.

nwalker said...

I cried like a baby when I read your post.My family are lab lovers.I have a yellow lab-Finn and my daughter has a black lab-Dallas. The daddy to our labs is my sons lab - Fisher. They are truelly a part of our family that we dearly love so I know you must be heart broken. I hope time will heal your sorrow. RIP Sadie.

A Haus to Call Home said...

Carolyn,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Sadie. Our pets become such an important part of our families and it is a very big loss. I hope you and your family can find solace knowing that she is not suffering and comfort in your memories of her.
Peace,
Michelle

felicia said...

We had to put our sweet boxer, Macy, to sleep on Sunday, October 28, because of a brain tumor. We had her for 12 wonderful years. Our hearts are still aching. I don't know how long this will go but I know that it still hurts when we walk in that door and she isn't there with her famous howdy handshake. I never knew that I could love a dog so much. My prayers are with you as you grieve the loss of your precious Sadie.

Peggy said...

I actually came over due to the CMH course but your post touched me like you would not believe! OH how I know what you are doing through... we have gone through it THREE times and each time is just as difficult! So give yourself time to grieve... know that it is okay.

Praying for you and your family for sweet peace!

Lost in Provence said...

Carolyn, I am so very, very sorry for your terrible loss. Sadie was so clearly such a dearly loved member of your family, it shows in every single one of the photos that you posted here. My Golden, Ben, is one of my best friends so I understand the depth of the pain that you and your family must be feeling. Please, I hope that you will try to be kind to yourself. There are things that we can't know and to my eyes you so clearly did all that you could to have given her an absolutely amazing life. I am sure that she is playing on the other side of the Bridge, happy and restored.
Sending thoughts of strength,
Heather

Pam said...

Loved each and every picture of Sadie with the little ones. I have had to make that really hard decision twice now in my adult life. Three years ago I nursed a much loved yorkie thru chemo only to have the cancer win. I was with her when we had to let her go. It was peaceful and I knew she was better off but it still sucked. Hope you and your family can find some peace.

Stacey said...

Carolyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. In the pictures, Sadie looks just exactly like our Katie. Katie died two years ago and I still miss her. Labs are such sweet souls. I know your family is sad right now.

suzieQ said...

What a lovely tribute to a furry friend. I know this won't make you stop feeling guilty but...STOP FEELING GUILTY. You never had any but the best intentions for Sadie and she would so forgive you in a heartbeat, which is why we love our pets so, so much. Rats, tearing up again.

Monica said...

Crying as I read your post...I too have a dog with severe allergies and eats EVERYTHING. Please don't feel guilty. I am a true dog lover and would have done the same as you. Give yourself permission to let it go and forgive yourself. God has a plan.

Lisa said...

Very sad. R.i.p Sandie. I couldn't imagine what my families life would be like without our dog.